Top 5 British problems…for British people. British.

5. Saying ”with all due to respect” or ”no offence” when you are about to utterly humiliate someone…with words…politely of course.

We love warning someone of their impending doom, because we know they can’t do anything about it. They simply have to take the comment on the chin and smile politely, after all, we warned them not to get offended. The response is normally a slight arching of the corner of their mouth, an attempt at a smile of acknowledgement, without the diameter of a usual smile…. yeahhhhhh we got them good, we’re so intellectual and humourous. Har-har.

WARNING: Does not work with Americans. They genuinely take this pre-insult warning as an indication not to become offended. They’re too nice damn it. Bless them.

4. Saying sorry…all the time… sometimes for no reason and when we have absolutely nothing to be sorry about.

The most common example? The shopping trolly incident. You know what I’m talking about. When you’re walking around the supermarket pushing your trolley and someone comes round the corner, approaching take off speed at 120mph, and rams the steel battering-ram straight into your heel…what do we do? We turn around and say sorry…why. Why do we do this. I simply do not know. We also do the same when approached for a lighter, ”Sorry, I don’t smoke”. Other examples include apologising for not being in queue, walking into someones walking trejectory when they’re within 10 meter collision distance etc…etc…etc.

3. Being nervous/anxious/weird in most public situations that require social interaction.

I don’t even need to explain this one.

On a bus, ”I hope he doesn’t sit next to me…

Cinema’s, ”I hope the cinema isn’t busy tonight”

Lecture’s, ”I have a question…but do I really want to put my hand up…”

Shopping ”I swear to god if he says hello when I’m wearing headpOHHHH HEEEEEYY MATE”

The list goes on…

2. Mistaking arctic weather conditions for a balmy day because we can see the sun and therefore it is warm outside.

Brightness is not warmth. I know you’ve read it, but I also know you won’t listen…because neither do I. ”Suns out, guns out”…even then, it should be ”If the sun is out for short durations during the day, regardless of the time period, I should get naked and possibly also display my arms. Yes…yes that will do.”

1.  Not actually meaning what we’re saying

Everything we say is riddled with sarcasm, irony and mocking undertones, sometimes even I get confused. Girls don’t count. They never say what they think, they’re just little mysteries wrapped in enigma. I could be dying of dehydration and when a friends mum offers me a drink I will always, without failure, reject her first offer of a thirst quenching beverage. It is only when she is begging me, due to her Britishness…ness…that I will accept her offer, out of politeness as apposed to my need for water as a human being. Another example is allergies. ”You aren’t allergic to cats are you”, is always followed up by a resounding, defiant, ”No”. Now, if you are allergic to cats, there is absolutely no way you’re going to be able to hide it when, in 20minutes, your face looks like its been dragged through a hornets nest and slapped with stinging nettles. However, British people will always deny it, in a first meeting circumstance especially, so as to not cause any inconvenience to the host…or the cat.

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